Catharsis
This blog has been dead for so long. (It's been a year!) I'm not sure why I'm blogging this anyway. I can't sleep. (So much for wanting to train self to wake up early -.-) Uni is starting next week. Not quite sure what to describe what the past year had been to me. I think I need to push myself a little bit more. You know that feeling when you think you're doing a lot but actually you're not using your maximum capacity? I forgot the last time I really immersed myself in something. To get everything clicked in a blink and feeling great for understanding the matter. I don't think I try. I may be thinking that I'm doing it but it's not with all my heart. There's no passion. I feel dead.Of course I want to change that. I want to be absorbed in the moment. To be present. Too much daydreaming and fearing for the future lately, it doesn't feel healthy. I feel too caught up in my own head, worrying over things that have -2% chance of happening. I've been faced with many downs, I'm starting to doubt my self-worth.
It's been a couple of nights that I spent some hours before sleep listening to audio books that discuss on self improvement/motivation/discipline etc. One thing that caught my attention is about the past. How important it is for us to detach ourselves from the known (ie the past) because no matter how hard you remember the past, it never evolves. In short, what's done is done. It's much more exciting to look forward to the unknown. And spend all those energy worrying to working to improve something for the future. To be in the moment and give your best. All these choices will affect my future and lead the direction I'm headed.
I may not have compared myself enough with others to see or be aware of the level people in my range are able to achieve. I know the real competition is yourself but to not care of the extent some people have reached makes me feel rather unsettled. I have never been so demotivated in my whole life. I feel like my desires aren't strong enough to push me to the limit. I want to go back to the positive me. The me who always believes in myself despite the failures. The me who keeps wanting to try. The me who never knows the meaning of giving up. The me who longs to inspire and be inspired at all times.
I want to live up to the title of my blog because it's a reminder of the person I used to be. I will be that person who doesn't know what it means to give up again. I'm going to keep trying until it works. I'm going to keep my faith and live up to my dreams.
So, Blair (I decided to call the bad voice in my head with this name since according to some readings I did, identifying this voice by naming it should make it easier for me to deal with it) can't pull me down anymore with her murky thoughts and unsupportive views.
After all, 2015 is a fearless year for me.